Lisa Marie Murphy-West

Mom, today a boy asked me to go to his prom. It reminded me of the time I experienced what I thought was my first broken heart. One of my good friends older brothers got a new girlfriend. I was "in love" with him, so I was absolutely crushed to hear the news. He asked her to go to his prom and I wished sooooo badly it could have been me. I wanted to go to prom! You told me that there would be plenty more boys to come and that my life was not over ( although I insisted that it was). Now that I've been asked and I'm scared outta my mind that I'm gonna make a complete fool of myself, I think of you. You're probably laughing right now and saying that my wish finally came true... five whole years later. Thanks for all the laughs, mommy. I miss you and love you so much. I'll do my best to not make a complete fool of myself.... :)
                                           Thanks for watching over me..... -bri

      "Why is it always the kindest, sweetest, most generous, and nicest people that suffer the most hardship? The person everyone loves the most, the one who never disappoints, the individual that loves life; this is the one that will become ill, dies, or is betrayed. It is out of the blue, completely one hundred percent unsuspected. One may ask, “Why is a God that says He loves us so much putting us through so much pain?” From innocent, yet dying, starving children … to the bully at school who secretly wishes to fall asleep that night and not wake up, people everywhere are being hurt. Is this the end? What have we come to? These questions and many more are asked on a daily basis either aloud or in one’s mind. Yet, it still begins with something seemingly simple. Life began with God. Life ends with God. Two facts, but we still question it. Why does He give life to us if He can so easily take it away? Why give us people to love when the pain of losing them is so unbearable we want to hurt ourselves just to be with them? Does He enjoy watching us suffer?

No. Life begins with God. Life ends with God. Life is God. And life is not easy. The kindest, sweetest, most generous, and nicest people suffer to teach those around them a lesson. They live life to the fullest to show the ones they love how important it is not to waste one breath. They can handle the heartache, pain, and suffering with absolute grace. We should love life. Life is God and God loves us. He has to instill conflict in our lives to teach us, His children, what we have not yet learned ourselves."
 
I wrote this after you died, mom, and I feel every word is true. I miss you so much and it's been so hard without you. At off season practice for basketball today, we were in the middle of running a 200 when I couldn't breathe. I SWEAR I saw you. I saw you smiling at me at the end of the track and I was so shocked I had to stop running. My coach understood and let me sit out for a little while until I calmed myself down. Today was HARD. "They" say that the pain gets easier..."They" are lying. It becomes easier to deal with, if you emotionally mature, but the pain I live with everyday hurts just as much. I cry so hard my chest feels like it's being torn apart. I can't see because my eyes are swollen shut from all the tears. I can't walk and I'm forced to sit down and wait until I feel ready to function properly again. It's awful going to school everyday. It's horrible knowing that I can't call you at lunch to tell you how well I did on a test, what boy asked me to prom, or how nervous I am for the basketball game tonight. It hurts to the point where I want to do something to myself that others may consider "crazy". But, I don't care. I feel like maybe harming this physical body may rid me of the emotional stress I live with every day. Then, I remember. You're in Heaven. You see everything I do and you miss me just as much as I miss you. You love me just as much as i love you. You worry for me now, but you know God will see me through. When you were here, I worried about you too, but I knew, simply because you told me, that God decides our fate and I would be okay. You would be all right. We would all make it through.
     The last time I saw you, you said, "Baby, I'm going home tonight." I told you, "Yeah, Mom. The doctors said you could come home with me and Sara and Dad. You'll be all better." You squeezed my hand and said, "No. I'm going home."
     I was confused, but it was time for us to go home, so I leaned in to give you a hug. I was trying to be gentle because I didn't want to hurt you, but you squeezed tighter than you could have a year and a half before. You held me and kissed my cheek and my forehead and my other cheek. Then you said, " I love you more than you can ever imagine." Then, you were gone.
     Three years have passed since that night, and I still can't fathom the fact that you are gone. I now know what you meant in our final conversation, but that doesn't make it any easier. I feel like our family has been torn apart, Mom. You've watched. You know. For the longest time, I felt like I NEEDED you here to be with me. When I did all those stupid things to get myself in trouble, or I hurt myself, when I felt that I had absolutely nowhere to go because I lost all faith in God, I blamed you for leaving me; for leaving us. Today, however, I came to a realization. I saw you when I was out of breath, my legs were on fire, and all my focus was at the end of that 200. Every good thing that's happened to me since you've been gone? It's because you've been with me the entire time. Happy Angel Day and I promise to live the best life I can until I can be with you again. Mom, I love you too, more than you can imagine.

 

 

 

Yesterday I was stuck in traffic and all of a sudden I started to think about when Lisa used to have me and kids do firedrills at various times when driving and having to stop.  A big smile came to my face just remembering those times and the laughter from all.  Miss you Lisa!!!

This past weekend I was working on memory photo albums for my kids, Shane and Cierra.  I ran across a few photos of my beautiful cousin Lisa holding my newborn son Shane.  Brought tears to both my and my husbands eyes.  She was there for me when he was born, sharing the joy.  I love you Lisa!!!!!

I like to think that Lisa and my brother, Jay, are up in heaven together, having all kinds of cousin fun together just like we all did when we were kids.